Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Speaking to the Departed

Parents belong to the world of the past; children belong to the world of the future. Both share the world of the present, but neither can enter or fully understand the other's world and time. It is easier to communicate across miles than across years. We meet and laugh awhile; we separate and grieve awhile. And then we remember.

Joseph A. Bauer

Good morning.  It's back to school day today.  Been on spring break for two weeks now. I am sorry that today will be my last Feng Shui class, and I don't think she will be coming back next semester. When asked she didn't give an answer, but my impression was that she has already made up her mind not to teach.  At any rate, she awakened my interest in the subject as well as 9 Star Astrology and pendulum use.  In fact, I've been using the pendulum to speak with departed family members, and on Easter, when all the family was together and I sat alone, mom sat with me for the first time.  (Of course, I am still learning).

I didn't plan on it, but when the teacher showed me how to program it, I decided it was worth a shot.  Here is a brief example of my first communication.

"Show me yes.  Show me neutral.  Show me no"  Okay ready.
"Mom, are you here with me?"  The pendulum responded "no".
"Dad, are you hare with me?"  The pendulum responded "yes".
"Grandma Lauvenia, are you here with me"?  The pendulum responded "yes".  
"Grandpa Edward, are you here with me?"  The pendulum responded "yes".  
"Mom, are you here with me"?  Again it responded "no".
"Will mom ever forgive me?"  The pendulum responded "yes."  
"Will Tom ever forgive me?"  The pendulum responded "no."  Tom is my eldest son who never really knew me.  

So, this is how it went the several times I used my pendulum.  Always the same responses....until Easter Sunday when I found myself sitting home alone, in tears.  (Ralph had gone to visit his son.)  My daughter, grandchildren, and great grandchildren were all together.  

"Is Mom with them at the Easter party?"  The pendulum responded "no".
"Mom, are you here with me today?"  The pendulum responded "yes".  

More tears, but now they were tears of joy.  Mom chose to spend the holiday with me.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

I'm Back

Just as the life that pulses in our bodies goes back to the beginnings of the Earth, so too does that heartbeat carry the pulse of those that come after. By the power of our imagination we can sense the future generations breathing with the rhythm of our own breath or feel them hovering like a cloud of witnesses. Sometimes I fancy that if I were to turn my head suddenly, I would glimpse them over my shoulder. They and their claim to life have become that real to me.

Joanna Macy

Wow, I've been gone for awhile now, haven't I?  Been having a lot of problems with my shoulders and neck due to repetition injury--too much computer.  My doctor referred me to a physical therapist, but, heck, at $35 a pop I couldn't afford it on my limited income.  Worked 50 years, and this is what I get.  Can't even get the care I need because my insurance plan prices the co-pay out of my reach, and ironically, those who have never worked--speaking of my ex clients now--get everything handed to them.  Something pretty unfair there.  

So, the physical therapist understood and gave me some exercises to do at home.  I've also been wearing a medicine bag of stones and crystals for pain--quartz, amethyst, dalmation jasper, and raw carnelian.  The set of bags came in 12 different colors so they match all my outfits.

I also wear my chakra bracelet at all times.  A friend had charged it and sent it to me to see if it helped...and it helps so much that I am now enrolled in Reiki classes.  Still on Level 1, but loving it already.

Well, since the time we last spoke, the wheels have turned, and I have entered into my 8th decade of life.  I now consider myself an elder.  I have to admit that sometimes I do get misty eyed.  Seems like life is passing by faster than I want it to. 

My birthday was a quiet affair.  My son, daughter, and grandson came.  We ordered pizza and stayed in.  Ralph gave me a basket of fruit and $300.  

My son gave me this awesome jewelry box.  I keep all my precious bracelets in it. 

My daughter gave me a dozen roses, the cake, and bought the pizza.  Sadly, noticeably absent were my granddaughters.  My daughter said they both had to work, but I didn't even get a card from either of them.  They were always there showering my mom with gifts on her birthday and being sure to take her out, but I receive nothing.  This, despite them saying that they love me. I'm sorry, but actions speak louder than words.  Never even got a Happy Easter from my one granddaughter.

I really can't blame them.  After all, I wasn't there for them when they were growing up, but darn, how are they going to get to know me if we don't communicate.  I used to always comment on their Facebook pages but they never respond.  To friends they do, but not to me. Many times I end up in tears.  Ralph told me I have to let it go.  I have to stop allowing myself to get hurt over and over again.  But how?  I want my family so bad.  It seems that all was going well until they asked me about growing up with mom at the picnic last year, and I told them how it was for me.  My granddaughter practically called me a liar when she said, "I don't understand it.  I've never known her to be that way."  My response in so many words was, she learned from the mistakes she made with me.  And my daughter, she knows the truth because mom was even mean to her, but she stayed silent.  Was I supposed to lie and say what a wonderful mom I had?  But I left home anyway?

And dad.  I will carry to my grave what he did to me.  Even my daughter doesn't know.  Because, of course, they will call me a liar because he was their hero, not the alcoholic that beat me and raised welts on my back because I inadvertently passed gas....or the dad who asked me to spin around again when I went to show off the new dress I was wearing to my first dance.  It wasn't until later that I realize he'd been leering at my panties.  

Gosh, but those days are over, and I've learned to forgive.  Now, if only my grandchildren would learn to forgive me before it is too late, just the way it was with me and my mom.  I never got closure.  Gosh, am I feeling melancholy today.  Believe me, I am grateful for all that I have and don't mean to ramble on what was.  Sometimes it's just hard to separate the two.

Have a good one.