Saturday, April 22, 2017

I'm Back

Just as the life that pulses in our bodies goes back to the beginnings of the Earth, so too does that heartbeat carry the pulse of those that come after. By the power of our imagination we can sense the future generations breathing with the rhythm of our own breath or feel them hovering like a cloud of witnesses. Sometimes I fancy that if I were to turn my head suddenly, I would glimpse them over my shoulder. They and their claim to life have become that real to me.

Joanna Macy

Wow, I've been gone for awhile now, haven't I?  Been having a lot of problems with my shoulders and neck due to repetition injury--too much computer.  My doctor referred me to a physical therapist, but, heck, at $35 a pop I couldn't afford it on my limited income.  Worked 50 years, and this is what I get.  Can't even get the care I need because my insurance plan prices the co-pay out of my reach, and ironically, those who have never worked--speaking of my ex clients now--get everything handed to them.  Something pretty unfair there.  

So, the physical therapist understood and gave me some exercises to do at home.  I've also been wearing a medicine bag of stones and crystals for pain--quartz, amethyst, dalmation jasper, and raw carnelian.  The set of bags came in 12 different colors so they match all my outfits.

I also wear my chakra bracelet at all times.  A friend had charged it and sent it to me to see if it helped...and it helps so much that I am now enrolled in Reiki classes.  Still on Level 1, but loving it already.

Well, since the time we last spoke, the wheels have turned, and I have entered into my 8th decade of life.  I now consider myself an elder.  I have to admit that sometimes I do get misty eyed.  Seems like life is passing by faster than I want it to. 

My birthday was a quiet affair.  My son, daughter, and grandson came.  We ordered pizza and stayed in.  Ralph gave me a basket of fruit and $300.  

My son gave me this awesome jewelry box.  I keep all my precious bracelets in it. 

My daughter gave me a dozen roses, the cake, and bought the pizza.  Sadly, noticeably absent were my granddaughters.  My daughter said they both had to work, but I didn't even get a card from either of them.  They were always there showering my mom with gifts on her birthday and being sure to take her out, but I receive nothing.  This, despite them saying that they love me. I'm sorry, but actions speak louder than words.  Never even got a Happy Easter from my one granddaughter.

I really can't blame them.  After all, I wasn't there for them when they were growing up, but darn, how are they going to get to know me if we don't communicate.  I used to always comment on their Facebook pages but they never respond.  To friends they do, but not to me. Many times I end up in tears.  Ralph told me I have to let it go.  I have to stop allowing myself to get hurt over and over again.  But how?  I want my family so bad.  It seems that all was going well until they asked me about growing up with mom at the picnic last year, and I told them how it was for me.  My granddaughter practically called me a liar when she said, "I don't understand it.  I've never known her to be that way."  My response in so many words was, she learned from the mistakes she made with me.  And my daughter, she knows the truth because mom was even mean to her, but she stayed silent.  Was I supposed to lie and say what a wonderful mom I had?  But I left home anyway?

And dad.  I will carry to my grave what he did to me.  Even my daughter doesn't know.  Because, of course, they will call me a liar because he was their hero, not the alcoholic that beat me and raised welts on my back because I inadvertently passed gas....or the dad who asked me to spin around again when I went to show off the new dress I was wearing to my first dance.  It wasn't until later that I realize he'd been leering at my panties.  

Gosh, but those days are over, and I've learned to forgive.  Now, if only my grandchildren would learn to forgive me before it is too late, just the way it was with me and my mom.  I never got closure.  Gosh, am I feeling melancholy today.  Believe me, I am grateful for all that I have and don't mean to ramble on what was.  Sometimes it's just hard to separate the two.

Have a good one.

1 comment:

  1. You have some unpleasant memories haunting you. My wish for you is that slowly but surely you start to replace them with newer happier memories.In the meantime, you deserve a little understanding from those in your life.